Let’s start with a definition.
Worry is an excessive, unpleasant emotion, aroused by possible outcomes that concern us.
Being concerned about outcomes is natural. That's what energizes our efforts to do something about them. But when such a concern balloons to the point of persistent unease, it stops being useful.
Worry can become emotional background noise in our lives. At times, the background noise moves to the foreground and drowns out everything else. Unease, especially over outcomes beyond our control, adds to the difficulties we face dealing with outcomes we can control. Let’s help us ourselves clarify in three steps:
1. Write down your top concerns.
2. List possible outcomes that cause you the most worry.
3. Consider the outcomes in light of this.
How likely is the outcome you worry about?
∀x (PossibleOutcome(x) → ∃y Likelihood(y, x, Certain, Impossible)).
For every Possible Outcome x there exists a Likelihood y, which can be imagined on a continuum between Certain and Impossible.
What degree of control do you have over the outcome you worry about?
∀x (PossibleOutcome(x) → ∃y DegreeOfPersonalControl(y, x, Total, NoneAtAll)).
For every Possible Outcome x there exists a Degree of Personal Control y, which can be imagined on a continuum between Total and None At All.
How intense is your emotional response to the outcome you worry about?
∀x (PossibleOutcome(x) → ∃y EmotionReaction(y, x, Overwhelming, Indifferent)).
For every Possible Outcome x there exists an Emotional Reaction y, which can be imagined on a continuum between Overwhelming and Indifferent.
Maybe we discover that our reaction is beyond what the outcome’s likelihood warrants. Perhaps as we become aware of it, we can mentally dial it back, and find space to see what we actually can do about in advance. Sometimes it's beyond our control entirely, but sometimes it isn't. Just sorting through such issues can help.
We parents are naturally concerned about our children’s welfare, for instance. Despite our concern, though, the likelihood of our children suffering a painful outcome in this world is 100%. It will happen at some point, whatever we do or don’t do.
Our degree of personal control over such outcomes will vary throughout our lives. We have a greater degree of control when they are younger, of course. As they get older, our direct influence diminishes. In either case, though, our responsibility is to use our influence wisely, in their best interest, taking into account both their concerns and our own.
It can be overwhelming to realize that our children will suffer in their lives, whatever we do or don't do. Yet if it overwhelms us to the point that we neglect the things we can do, worry has unbalanced us.
Suffering may be unavoidable, but some outcomes become less likely through our foresight.
Worried about their safety in a car? Then use car seats conscientiously when they are little. Take care not to drive unsafely when they are with us. See to it that they have adequate preparation when they begin to drive. Such things don’t eliminate risk, but they do reduce it.
Fear for their health? Then watch their nutrition. Get them the best available care against the most common illnesses. Pay attention to the other things that help children thrive: a stable home; a decent education; a positive example. Again, the key is not letting what we can’t do for them keep us from doing what we can.
We mitigate risk, since we can’t remove it. And since some painful outcomes are unavoidable, we fortify ourselves spiritually, psychologically, and physically in advance. When challenges arise, we are able to deal with them from a position of balance.
The likelihood that we will make mistakes as parents is also 100%, again whether we intend to or not. Given that, how do we give ourselves chances at better outcomes? Here are three suggestions:
1. Practice forgiveness, both giving it and receiving it,
both toward ourselves and toward others.
2. Learn from our mistakes, and get better at doing what we need to do.
3. Seek God, and let our finitude find rest in God’s infinity.
